Pain

I have been working towards a goal for years. I really have been trying to reach a point where I can have my dental work finished. I had hopes to have money from income tax this year to get it done but No. I was going to try and get it done at the free clinic in Bristol but had to cancel that idea because I had missed too much work. Now I am stuck.

My teeth have finally started to hurt and I don't have anyway to get them fixed. Winnie has the same problem. She has two that we need to get fixed but I have a whole bottom set that needs to go and I can't get it done. On Monday she is going to stay at the hospital in Johnson City for Angie. While she is there I am going to check out a free dental clinic in Johnson City. I really need to get this done soon.

I will have this done before I go to school in the Fall. I have no choice. I won't be able to get any respect for my philosophy work if I look like I do now. It is also getting in the way of multiple other things most importantly a career. It is hard enough to find a job but every time I go to an interview I feel horrible because what person will look at me this way and think this is someone who can work with the public.

Is it all connected?

I have noticed in my own life a correlation between two different things which don't seem to be connected but actually seem to be connected. If that makes any sense. I have noticed a direct connection between my mental states and the occurrences of my life. Whenever I embrace certain internal realities my life seems to be much easier from a troubles stand point. However, when I try to live according to certain other mindsets I seem to be beset constantly by troubles. No matter how much I try to pretend that there isn't any power which directs I cannot blindly pretend that the exact opposite doesn't occur.

My favorite psychologist Carl Jung had this idea that connected things which didn't seem to be connected together.

The idea of synchronicity is that the conceptual relationship of minds, defined as the relationship between ideas, is intricately structured in its own logical way and gives rise to relationships that are not causal in nature. These relationships can manifest themselves as simultaneous occurrences that are meaningfully related.

If perhaps, as some followers of quantum theory believe, our state of mind interacts directly with reality then what else should one expect. I am not saying that I believe in the concept of that force of direction that many people ascribe to but I can't say that it does not exist for sure in some fashion.

For a long time I have considered myself an atheist but can you actually make that absolute claim. I used to think you could but I have found myself question that dogmatic attitude. Perhaps I have to accept that the only truly logical way to be is agnostic?

Perhaps I also have to accept that I should be more embracing of my inner self and stop trying to be what other people seem to think I need to be?

Responsibilities Versus Expectations

An incident yesterday got me to thinking about the difference between our responsibilities and the expectations of our responsibilities that others hold. We see one thing and others see something else. I have found that the expectations others hold are always larger than what our responsibilities actually are. They don't allow for emergencies. They don't allow for changes. They don't allow for simple mistakes. Often the others expect perfection and hold you personally responsible when life interferes and you don't embody perfection.

It is definitely an interesting thing to observe because it makes you doubt your own performance. It is also very interesting how much guilt it can lay at your feet.

On Life's Choices

For years and years I have been awash on a sea of indecision. I have been bandied about like a boat on the ocean never knowing which direction I was actually going to take. There have been many things which I have done and tried to be but they always seem to fall short of what I really am and want to be. I have tried aggressiveness. I have tried space science and technology. I have tried various religions. There are times when I have tried to exemplify the macho lifestyle. There have been times when I have decided to let fate decide my destiny by always waiting for others to show me what I needed to do or what I needed to be. I have tried to be way too many things and none of them are what I truly am, or what I truly wish to be.

Still.

In every aspect I have been fascinated with one thing. Philosophy. No matter what I am focused on it is philosophy that underlies it. From the Vulcan philosophy in Star Trek to humanism to Zen to atheism I have always been concerned on some level with the philosophy. It has caused me problems. For example, when I was at Northeast State I was so caught up in having access to a college library that I had a hard time concentrating on my real classes. I passed them but never gave them the attention that I should have.

So.

I have decided to embrace philosophy as my life's goal. I am going to embed myself into the consideration of the universe, the mind and truth. I am going to go to school again in the fall of 2011 with the goal of attaining the major of a Master's in Philosophy with a minor in Psychology. No more wasting of my time with the things I am not passionate about. In embracing one of my deepest desires I will be able to achieve something really significant to me.

Hopefully, as I embrace truth in my career I will be able to embrace truth in everything else.